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Broken · words


“It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” -T.B.

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When I say "I wish I hadnt had you at 15" your child hears " I wish I hadnt had you " What we mean to say is . I wish I had had you when I was ready when I was grown enough to have gone through lifes lessons so we didnt have to go through them together . I wish I had you when I was stable so you never had to fear being homeless and never had to struggle . I wish I had you when I knew who I was so I could teach you to learn who you are . I wish for you all the things I was incapable of giving of allowing you to be innocent allowing you to be the child and for me to be the grownup . I wish for you a parent you deserved and that I was not capable of being . The most devastating two words a teenage mother ever hears from thier teenage daughters is "Im pregnant" because we know the road ahead the sacrifice the pain and the fear . I know the regret of realizing later all the things your child DESERVED that you were unable to give . The basics of childhood being a parent isnt about just love alone .. its about giving and I didnt realize the depth of what we give until later . We give stability and innocence freedom and self respect after we have learned them ourselves . When I say I wish I hadnt had you at 15 I mean . I wish I had you at 30 with no struggles so we could have the life we deserved together and be the mother I should have been not the mother i was
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Life has changed me in so many ways and not all for the best..... when I started this journal I was a girl who was fighting the world and now I am a woman with so many battle scars ......sometimes I wish we could stop our tumultuous feelings . I can say that I am a fool in the love department we all are in one form or another .I am locked in the darkness of my own feelings on this one .
Current Mood:
blank blank
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I have learned alot maybe the best lesson is that it is better to be alone than miserable.....oh and that new york accents are really fucking hot
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I am half the woman I used to be .......Interesting to be missing some of your woman parts hormones go into turmoil and life becomes interesting ...I realize more now than ever how much I love Richard we fight I regularly want to strangle him but we are getting time together right now and realizing why we love eachother again ...nothing like a scare of the c word with a big dose of reality to make you grateful for everything you have .
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I was contacted tonight by my best friend from long beach I had to really wrestle with whether or not I ever wanted to open that door of not only allowing these people in my life in any way but of knowing the reality of everything that happened to people I once considered family . My crazy life is a understatement she reminded me of how crazy life was . I found out that my fifteen year old other best friend was pistol whipped to death by her boyfriend shortly after I dropped off the face of the earth . My heart hurts thinking of that I look at my daughters and know exactly how much trouble girls that age can get into . Sometimes with their choices they can end up dead . Memory was a beautiful girl with a good heart screwed up because her mother was a drug addict she ran the streets and refused to listen we were exactly alike in alot of ways looking for approval trying to find a family . We just wanted to know someone cared . She got involved with a older guy and got pregnant . I remember the last time I saw her she was about seven months pregnant sitting on a swing at a park over by the mall . She had dyed blonde hair and she was one of the prettiest girls I ever knew . We talked about stupid fifteen year old crap who was fucking what bitches ass we were going to kick . This was strong beach and the life of a homegirl. We did nothing but run . We had to run we all were so fucked up . I got pregnant not long after the last time I saw her . I was homeless and I moved away and I never looked back I let everyone go . To know now that Memory was killed less than a month later breaks my heart . She had a heart alot of the other girls I knew did not . With what I am going through with Lily right this scares me . When we were fifteen we thought we knew everything and we knew nothing . We made alot of choices that not only affected the rest of our lives but also for some of us it took our life away .
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done
Current Mood:
indifferent indifferent
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Dear Pablo ,
Well instead of hitting a wiley russian with a ladder . I yelled at a russian woman kicked a ladder then proceeded to hit a wall .
Do I get any points for that ?
Current Location:
fucking desert
Current Mood:
aggravated aggravated
Current Music:
pandoras gas
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Dearest Pablo ,
I am writing this because your quick wit ,serene temperament and ,unshaven arms are sorely missed . My big Dick needs Pablo love in the near future . Give your Lady a kiss and a rather tight ummm squeeze for me and let the crazy nina know that the gruesome twosome miss her. Oh and unfortunatley when I encountered a rather boisterous russian man I was unable to follow your lead...... seeing as there was no ladders present to bludgeon him with .
with love ,
Patience
Current Mood:
chipper chipper
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I just simply am ..................I guess reflection brings us back to so many differant aspects of our lives .........I have gone through so much in the past year everything has changed ........I know alot more about myself but in learning so much I know nothing at all . What I believed in before means nothing to the woman I am today. I bullshited myself into a corner into my ego induced ramblings of a mad woman . I am not recognizable right now my heart and my mind are open to all these feelings I have kept within my walls for so long . This process is hard sometimes I think I need medication but then I realize prayer the steps and a little humility was what I needed all along .Humility that took the longest for me to realize what it really means . I am growing in this life of mine through my love my family . I do not know where I am going here the computer is not really my thing anymore other things mean a hell of alot more . Every moment I am on here I could be doing something more important . I am just on here cause my multicolored man is at work and I miss him terribly and late night step work gets you introspective and a little antsy .
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fucking testosterone induced weirdness.........my dick needs to work out more .......
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